


Fêted

by Draycevixen



Category: The Professionals
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-01
Updated: 2011-04-01
Packaged: 2017-10-17 10:48:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/176080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draycevixen/pseuds/Draycevixen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Hambelandjemima, who gave me the prompt, Summer Fête.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fêted

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Hambel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hambel/gifts).



.

“What are we doing here again?”

“Don’t look at me mate, you’re the one who got on Cowley’s bad side.”

“The Cow’s got a good side?”

“Don’t change the subject. You’re the one who was screwing the ambassador’s daughter.”

“I was not screwing the ambassador’s daughter.”

“That‘s what I heard, well what Murph said he overheard—”

“One doesn’t _screw_ an ambassador’s daughter, it simply isn’t done. You might court one, even—”

“Give it a rest. I was supposed to be off this weekend, I’d made plans with Sharon and now I’ll probably never see her again.”

“Look I’m sorry, Ray. If there’s any really ugly duty this weekend I’ll take it.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

 

***

 

“This is utter bollocks. There’s no threat, we’re just here to massage the ego of the Right Honourable Alistair fforbes-Brown. I had no idea Cowley was _this_ mad. And as if that’s not bad enough to stay close to him we’ve been volunteered to help with the village fête, at the Vicar’s beck and call. What did I ever do to deserve this?”

“More like _who_ —”

“All right, all right. Where do we start?”

“Selling raffle tickets on the Manor lawn while his nibs makes his opening remarks.”

“Seems like a good use of valuable CI5 resources.”

 

***

 

“Why is your face covered in lipstick?”

“The Vicar found another job for me.”

“I know they really want that new roof for the church but surely they draw the line at prostitution.”

“Prat. I’ve been manning the kissing booth.”

“So let me get this straight. I got lumbered with the White Elephant stall and the Vicar chose you for the _kissing booth._ If that’s half as good as it sounds—”

“It is mate, it is. Apparently there were Americans based at the Manor during the war and they taught this quaint cultural custom to the locals. They’re selling kisses to help pay for the new church roof. They used to only have girls in the booth but in the last few years they’ve added a few handsome lads—”

“and you get covered in lipstick while I’m selling bamboo umbrella stands to maiden aunts.”

“I got a pocket full of telephone numbers too, look at these.”

“Christ how many are there? Hang on a minute, who’s _Arthur?_ ”

“The Vicar’s curate. He’s very... progressive.”

 

***

 

“No, no fucking way.”

“And I quote, _If there’s any really ugly duty this weekend I’ll take it._ ”

“I was talking about a suicide mission of some kind, not something like _this._ ”

“fforbes-Brown is an enthusiast and one of us is supposed to stay close to him. Now pick up the suit and go and get changed. It’s not like anyone is expecting you to dance—”

“I should bloody well hope not.”

“You’ve just got to prance about a bit—”

“ _Prance?_ ”

“And hit a few pretty girls with your inflated pig’s bladder.”

“Sounds kinky.”

“It’s not, it’s symbolic.”

“Symbolic? Well that really sounds more like your—”

“If you don’t stop whining I’ll take a picture of you performing and show it to the squad.”

“You wouldn’t!”

“I bloody well will if you get stroppy about it. We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile.”

“Low profile in _this?_ ”

“You’ll blend in with the other Morris dancers.”

“Pull the other one it’s got bells on it.”

“Not yet, but it _will_ have by the time you’ve got that costume on.”

 

***

 

“Hello Bodie.”

“How did you know it was me, you didn’t even look up.”

“ _The bells! The bells!_ ”

“How long did it take you to think that one up?”

“It came to me in a blinding flash the first time you pranced past me jingling your bells.”

“Let’s leave my bells out of it shall we? So what are you doing now?”

“Judging the fruit and veg with Alistair.”

“So it’s _Alistair_ now, is it?”

“He insisted.”

“I just bet he did. He goosed me under the arches.”

“That’s a new one on me.”

“While we were standing under the arches, waiting to perform... I’m just digging myself in deeper aren’t I?”

“He’s probably just getting into the spirit of things. You’ve goosed me a bunch of times and it didn’t mean anything, right?”

“I should see what the Vicar wants me to do next.”

“Bodie?”

 

***

 

“Stop laughing!”

“Can’t... Christ, wait ‘til Cowley hears about this one, Ray.”

“You really think Alistair will tell him?”

“Well you did push him in a duck pond.”

“He’s lucky I didn’t punch him.”

“True. Come to think of it, can you imagine that conversation? _Awfully sorry to bother you Cowley, old chap, but I just couldn’t resist caressing Doyle’s perfect arse—_ ”

“He cupped my cock—”

“ _What?_ I’ll bloody kill him!”

“You’ve got some funny ideas about bodyguarding.”

“Not supposed to kill him then?”

“...So you think my arse is perfect?”

“Ye—don’t change the subject.”

“I didn’t change the subject. You were talking about my _perfect_ arse.”

“I was just trying to say that… no, I don’t think he’ll tell Cowley. As long as no one else does you should be all right.”

“The Vicar said we could stay in the cottage behind the Vicarage tonight. It’s Arthur’s cottage and he’s off up to London with friends after the fête. We’re supposed to drive Alistair back in the morning. He’s staying with the Vicar—”

“You don’t think the Vicar and Alistair?”

“I’d rather not think about it all. We should get the bags from the car and you can change your clothes.”

“Then with Alistair tucked up at the Vicarage we can see a little more of the village.”

“The villagers can already see more than enough of you.”

“What?”

“When you went into the pond to pull Alistair out—”

“Someone had to do it.”

“That Morris Dancer costume is a bit transparent when wet.”

“Christ, give me your jacket!”

“I don’t think it’s long enough.”

“ _What’s that supposed to mean?_ ”

“My jacket you idiot. My _jacket_ isn’t long enough.”

“See, I tie it around my waist, like this and—”

“Oh right... Let’s go.”

 

***

 

“I have to ask. Why did you take your pants off?”

“Wondered how long it was going to take you to ask. I had black briefs on and they were visible through the white trousers so I took them off. I didn’t know I was going to have to pull a Right Honourable arsehole out of a duck pond and end up flashing the parish council. I’ll just change my clothes and—fuck! Why did you do _that?_ ”

“Why didn’t you react more violently?”

“No duck pond to push you into.”

“You could have punched me.”

“ _Why_ did you grab my crotch?”

“You never lie to me. You might omit a few things, but you don’t lie. I said it didn’t mean anything when you goose me and you didn’t answer me. You called my arse _perfect_ like you’d been studying it for long enough to find any defect. When I told you what Alistair did you were furious, jealous even, liked he’d touched something that belonged to you. All the evidence seems to point toward you wanting me. Or am I wrong?”

“So I want what I can’t have, nothing new there. Forget it.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“C’mon Ray—”

“It does you know.”

“What?”

“Belong to you. The feeling’s mutual... How about showing me your kissing booth technique?”

“No.”

“So you don’t want—”

“Course I do, but I’m off the clock and just as well. At the vicar’s rates what you’re about to get would pay for the church roof all by itself.”

 

.


End file.
